When Someone Dies:
Changing Trends In How We Say Good-bye

It has never been easy comforting a relative, friend, or associate who has lost someone close to them. Today, expressing sympathy may present even greater concerns due to changing trends in how Americans commemorate the death of a loved one.

People are increasingly more transient with fewer family and friends nearby, often resulting in simpler or shorter services. Viewing periods for a traditional burial, which in the past often lasted up to three days, now are typically limited to one day or don't occur at all.

Cremations on the Rise
A greater number of cremations has also resulted in shorter or no memorial services. According to the Cremation Association of North America, cremations as a percentage of total deaths in the United States rose from 13% in 1984 to 25% in 1999 and are expected to rise to 33% by 2004.

Although more frequent than ever before, cremation is still relatively new in the U.S. Therefore, many people are unsure of the sympathy etiquette surrounding a memorialization of this type.

Expressing sympathy is a constant, regardless of the type of service. Anything that says 'We care' is appropriate -- whether it be flowers or a home-cooked meal. No matter what type of commemoration is held, it is still important that friends of the bereaved show their support.

Service or Not, Show you Care
Traditionally, flowers have been sent to the funeral home for display during the viewing and service. However, if no service is held, should there be no show of sympathy? Definitely not. Grief therapists agree that the rituals surrounding death are an aid in the grieving process. In instances where there is no service, experts recommend sending condolences to the bereaved's home.

Answers to Commonly Asked Questions
About Sympathy Flowers

Sympathy flowers have been part of funeral and memorial traditions in nearly every culture throughout history. Changing trends in how we say good-bye to loved ones, however, often leave family and friends uncertain about how to express their condolences. The Society of American Florists answers the most commonly asked questions about sympathy flowers:

Is there a 'right' or 'wrong' type of arrangement to send as a sympathy gift?
There are a variety of appropriate options in sympathy flowers. Although very traditional sympathy arrangements are still requested, most florists today are happy to create a floral tribute that is original and creative. Mixed flower arrangements which look "just-picked-from-the-garden," or green or flowering plants are popular options. These more contemporary alternatives provide the family with the option to take them home, or deliver to hospitals or places of worship after the service.

Do some flower arrangements look too 'cheery' for a funeral?
Absolutely not. A funeral service is a way to honor someone's life, and bright, colorful flowers are a meaningful part of this tribute. In addition to adding beauty to an otherwise somber occasion, flowers provide a comforting diversion -- something to talk about or look at -- during the visitation.

Sometimes I see a charity mentioned 'in lieu of flowers' in the death notice.
Is it still appropriate to send flowers?
Because flowers help you say what is often difficult to express, they are always appropriate and in good taste. Many people want to express sympathy and show respect for the deceased in a variety of ways, including charitable contributions, food donations, a helping hand, or cards and flowers. Flowers also play a functional role, adding warmth to the service and providing the visible, emotional support that the bereaved need during this time. Funeral directors agree that most people do not want a service completely devoid of flowers.

What can I do to make my arrangement special from the rest?
To make your floral tribute particularly special, ask your florist to create an arrangement that fits the deceased's personality. For example, a rustic basket of wildflowers to honor someone who loved the outdoors. You could also include his or her favorite flowers or colors, or a flower that had special significance in your relationship with that person. Whatever you do, the family is sure to notice and appreciate it.

I am part of a group. What are some suggestions?
When groups, including grandchildren, nieces and nephews, friends, neighbors, business associates, and clubs go in together on flowers, the arrangements can be very special and make a larger showing. Such pieces can include standing sprays and wreaths. When sending flowers as a group, include a contact name and address on the card so the family knows who to thank.

What is appropriate to send for a cremation?
A tastefully done floral tribute adds beauty to any type of service, whether it's a traditional burial or a cremation. Because cremation is increasingly common in some areas, many florists will have specific suggestions. Families may choose a piece designed for display with the urn, or an arrangement that can be enjoyed in the home after the service.

I found out about the death after the funeral was over. What can I do?
A floral arrangement received at the home after the activity surrounding the funeral can be a comforting, welcome reminder that friends haven't forgotten. In fact, research shows that bereaved family and friends appreciate being thought of in the weeks or months after the funeral. A personal note or 'we are thinking of you' message with the flowers would be especially nice. Any support you can offer will let the family know you care.

Guide to Common Terms for Sympathy Flowers
Some of the terms used by florists for sympathy arrangements can be unfamiliar. The Society of American Florists provides descriptions of the most commonly used terms:

Wreath	A floral presentation often used because because a circle symbolizes eternal life.
Spray	Flowers designed for viewing from one side only. Often, sprays are placed on an easel.
Floral Arrangement	A mix of fresh flowers in a vase, basket or other container.
Casket Spray	Flowers designed for the top of the casket, usually ordered by the family.
Inside Piece	A general term to describe small floral designs placed inside the casket such as satin hearts, nosegays or small sprays.

Ask your florist for details regarding the variety of options available in floral sympathy arrangements.

The Weeks Following the Funeral:
Helping a Friend in Grief

The funeral service is over. Friends have paid their respects, offered condolences to the grieving family, and gone home. There are no more hectic plans to distract, and the shock has worn off. The mourning relatives of the deceased are now left feeling lost and alone.

Experts say that although the initial outpouring of sympathy is a great comfort to a family that has lost a loved one, many people experiencing such a loss appreciate knowing they are being thought of in the weeks and months after the funeral. However, this happens all too rarely. People continue to care about their grieving friends, but sometimes feel that a continued show of sympathy may be an unwelcome reminder for the bereaved. However, the reverse is true. Flowers or a card help immensely after the rush of attention has subsided.

Following are some tips on providing support during the months after the funeral, from the Society of American Florists:

• Offer to mow the lawn, clean house or prepare a meal -- small daily tasks can seem like huge chores to someone who is grieving.
• Phone and invite the person out. A sympathetic ear can be the best gift of sympathy. They may now be ready to talk about their feelings.
• Consider sending flowers, a plant or a personal note to the home of the bereaved. These will show you haven't forgotten.

Perhaps the most important aspect of showing sympathy is that the message counts more than the medium. If what you do sincerely says, 'I'm here if you need me,' then the grieving individual will not feel alone and will know that no matter how much time passes, he or she can count on your support.

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